Deadpan

• Nathan: how's work?
• Smokie: Oh it's fine. Reviewing the emails from yesterday which was apparently slow as molasses.
• Smokie: I always get weird about that idiom. I mean, moles aren't *that* slow. It would make more sense to say "slow as slothasses" but what do I know...
• Nathan: Sweetie...
• Nathan: Molasses is a viscous, syrup like substance
• Smokie: Yes dear. I know.
• Nathan: You just deadpanned me, didn't you...
• Smokie: I sure fucking did!

• <{LD}> roses are red
• <{LD}> violets are blue
• <{LD}> in soviet russia
• <{LD}> poems write you

FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

• Verizon: What's the problem with the phone?
• Me: It won't turn on, it just resets over and over.
• Verizon: Are you on the device now?
• Me: It. Won't. Turn. On.
• Verizon: So you're not on the device?

The best and the brightest

• R: My car wouldn’t start this morning. Just nothing happened.
• J: What sound did it make when it started?
• R: It didn’t start. At all.
• J: I had that problem once.

Not a n00b

• Me: When you click into your phone history, be sure that it's not calling the person you have a missed call from. =P
• Mom: How do you know that I just don't like messing with you.
• Me: Because you didn't call me first to ask how you could accomplish that with the phone.
• Mom: Very funny. I'll have you know I am perfectly capable of messing things up all by myself.

• <Locke|Away> I found a note in one of my old word .docs that said Note to self: Get revenge on Valvados.
• <Locke|Away> Except I couldn't remember what I was supposed to get revenge for.
• <Locke|Away> But I trusted my own judgment, so I went with it.
• <Valvados> ...
• <Valvados> o.o
• <Valvados> hmm
• <Valvados> i dunno what you were supposed to get revenge for, either
• <Locke|Away> I can only assume you got what was coming to you. Not 100 percent sure, though.
• <Valvados> well, whatever i did, i guess i deserved it
• <Locke|Away> Let that possibly be a lesson to you.

• dftpnkezln: For all of you reporting a score more than 100 as you iq lol @ you. How can you possibly score more than 100%?
• dftpnkezln: I'm very happy with my score of 89.

A.I. = Average Intelligence

• IM spammer: Hey! This IQ test says I have an IQ of 115!
• Me: Congratulations, you're average.

Parent support

• M: Oh you mean child support between parents?
• S: ....is there another kind?

Drinking

• M: Are you there?
• S: No, I'm out drinking for St. Patrick's Day.
• M: Don't you wish.
• [10 minutes later]
• S: Was this a survey or did you need something?
• [M signed off]

Management

• Logic!: My idea of "management" is "do it fucking right so I don't have to."
• Logic!: And I don't see anything wrong with that, frankly.

Funniest. Conversation. Ever.

• c: i am playing a game its called gusse who you ask me ? i have to give you yes or no answer to tell you who i am
• [...first round and second rounds...]
• e: my turn?
• c: ok go
• c: boy or girl
• e: yes
• c: so its a thing
• e: no
• d: was ita man
• e: yes
• c: is it a bunny
• e: no
• d: is he a star
• c: no is it a playboy bunny
• e: d: yes or a sort, c: no
• c: lol
• d: so its a playboy star
• e: no
• c: no its not
• m: yeah a male playboy bunny lmao
• c: lol
• c: wouldnt that be a playgurl
• c: lol
• m: yeah lol
• d: that girl

Interesting

• S: How is the loan, by the way?
• M: hmmmmmmm
• S: That's an....interesting answer.

Good News Everyone!

• Me: What are you doing for your job, anyway?
• Me: If it involves swallowing things in an alley, I have some news for you...
• K: im workin in a deli in a grocery store
• K: whats the news?